SWEEPSTAKES © 1985 and 2018
a play in one act
(This version for Lolly and Susan)
by Janet S. Tiger
Tigerteam1@gmail.com
© copyright 2018
All rights reserved
under the Berne and Pan-American copyright conventions
Characters
(in order of appearance)
Name Age First Page
FANNY mid-fifties page 2 thru-out
ANNE 60 page 3 “
Delivery boy young page 25
The original play is dedicated to my Uncle Paul, with much love,
may he rest in peace.
Time – 1982. When you could get a pizza for free if it was more than 30 minutes late.
(The play is set in a small one-bedroom apartment in a lower-middle-class neighborhood that could easily slide into lower without much trying. It is on the ground floor, with no other apartments above, and it looks out onto a driveway that has a few remaining flowers, and some well-trod-on grass.
The apartment is oddly furnished - a mix of cheap K-Mart style fake wood bookcases and tables, with some awful Mexican oil paintings, plus some nice pieces. There is a very good piece of artwork next to an older, well-made desk, and some the knick-knacks are real antiques of very good taste.
Although it is a woman's place it is messy. There is a sign of a female touch in the curtains, but wherever you look, there are file folders - of all shapes and sizes, with papers hanging out of them, and envelopes, mostly used, and of the variety enclosed in letters from banks, mail-order catalogs ... and sweepstakes offers.
As the audience is being seated FANNY WINTERS comes into the main living area from a door that we see leads to her bedroom and bathroom. She is carrying some pages of coupons.
Through all of this FANNY works diligently looking more like an eight-year-old with a stamp collection that a 55-year-old woman. But something about FANNY is reminiscent of that childlike enthusiasm - she looks younger than her years, partly because of her very dark, thick hair, partly because she moves like and has the energy of a much younger woman.
While she works, she switches on a radio to a classical station, and hums the words to an opera aria that is playing. when the station breaks to announce the time, FANNY collects the coupons, then gets her jacket, and as the house lights dim, she exits, leaving the opera playing to the darkened house.
When the stage lights go on, FANNY now enters with a paper bag, from which she removes a six-pack of beer. She turns off the radio as the phone rings, and she now rushes around trying to neaten things up while talking.)
1
2
FANNY - Honey, I told you tonight was gonna be a bad night for you to come over …. Nah, she
isn’t here yet….sure I cleaned it up….listen, I’ll call you when she goes, maybe if I can shake a little money out of her we can eat out…..yeah, but this way we’d have the money…..I know you like to pretend to be the man…but…..whoa! where’d that come from? Did you gets your nuts stuck in your zipper again honey, cause you sure sound mad! (Looks at phone) Did he hang up? What’s wrong with him?
(She starts to call back, then stops and goes back to cleaning up. But in the process, she discovers a pile of unexamined coupons. Now she sits and starts filling out one of the enclosed forms, oblivious to the sound of a car pulling up. A woman carrying a bag comes to the open door, and we see her through the screen, watching FANNY for a moment, then she sighs, and knocks. At first FANNY doesn't hear, so she knocks again, only louder, and this time FANNY jumps up and, opens the door, grabbing the other woman in a bear hug.)
FANNY - (Genuinely happy to see her) Hey, ANNE, since when do you have to knock7
(Now that she is inside, we can see the family resemblance although ANNE WINTERS TERRY is 60 and looks older, so there is a visual gap of almost 20 years in their age. The gap in personality is pretty obvious, too, as ANNE wears clothing that is freshly pressed, and even though we don’t see her car, we can sense it's something expensive, but not flashy.
Overall, ANNE looks like what she is - an average woman who has worked hard to achieve success -whatever that is - and right at this moment, she looks as if she’s very tired of it all.)
ANNE - It's just a habit.
FANNY - (With an expansive sweep of her hand) You know my place is your place….
ANNE - Very true. I've had to pay for most of it, haven’t I?
FANNY - You and the friggin’ disability….Come on in, sit down, you look a little tired.
Hey, you got an extra stamp on you?
ANNE- (She does, but wouldn't give it) No, I don't think so.
(ANNE sits gingerly on one of the easy chairs, as if afraid bugs might adopt her, but FANNY doesn’t notice as she looks for, then finds, a stamp. Scrutinizing it first, then getting some glue and affixing it to the envelope.)
FANNY - This one could be worth $2,000,000 or $1000 a month for the rest of my life …. think this stamp’ll be okay?
ANNE - (Tight) You live next door to the Post Office, why don’t you buy a new stamp?
FANNY - The machines are always broken - they just steal your money,. I figure this evens it out..
(She finishes and puts it by the light switch with other envelopes.)
FANNY - Hey, you want something to drink? Some juice, soda?
3
ANNE - (Indicating the six-pack) Beer? I never saw you drink before, Fanny.
FANNY - Oh, that's for Frank
ANNE - I've never seen him drink beer either.
FANNY – It’s for his face - he likes (thinking quickly) ……beer facials. He’s real worried about wrinkles.
ANNE – So he comes over to make love and then has a beer facial.
FANNY - (Surprised by this discussion) - Yeah, usually.
4
ANNE - What if you do it again? Does he have another….. facial?
FANNY - No, usually once a night is enough. Why are you suddenly so interested in my sex life?
ANNE - I don't know, just curious, I guess. Never thought about it before.
(ANNE takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights one.)
FANNY - (Really surprised now) I never saw you smoke Anne, not even when we were kids….
'
ANNE- Well, I guess it's never too late to take up bad habits… speaking of which ….
(Anne takes a bottle of liquor from the bag and takes a
good swallow . Fanny is surprised, but 'pretends' not to notice.)
FANNY - You want a glass for that? I wash them with Joy and all…
ANNE - This is fine, why have to wash out a glass?
FANNY - (Not sure how to handle this) Hey, you want to have some dinner? If you loan me some money I'll treat you!
ANNE - Why, haven't you won any of those contests yet?
FANNY - Sure, I got a free can of Co«a-Cola just last week
ANNE – (Very sarcastic) A free can of cola! Wow!
FANNY –(Ignores this) In the Pizza-and-a –Porsche contest. Every time you order one of these delivered-to your-door pizzas, you got this game card, and one of them is a winner of a Porsche!
ANNE – How much did the pizza cost?
FANNY – Four bucks.
5
ANNE - And how much would a can of coke cost if you bought it in a store?
FANNY – That’s not the point - you have to eat anyhow.- listen, what if I get in some pizza now?
ANNE - I'm not that hungry.
FANNY - Well I am, so let me order it ….(she dials) If you want something on it lemme know, it's 50¢ extra per item.
ANNE - I told you I'm not hungry…
FANNY -Maybe you’ll change your mind.
ANNE - Have I ever changed my mind on important stuff like this, Fanny?
FANNY - (About to answer but the other end picks up) Hi, I
want a small cheese· pizza with . (She looks at Anne, then checks the change in her own pocket) with mushrooms.
Will you accept stamps? Oh, I see, well never mind the mushrooms, the address is 4287 Hoover…. 555-8601 …. Fanny Winters, that’s Winners, but with a ‘t’.. If it's not here in 30 minutes I get it for free, right? Thanks.
(Fanny hangs up and, sets a little timer by the door.)
ANNE - Don't you mention you're in the back? It's kind of hard to find this place if you don't know where it is.
FANNY - And if they don't find it in time, I get a free pizza!
Hey, I'm just trying to save a little money, and speaking
of money …..(She was waiting for this type of opening) .. my
can broke down yesterday and it needs a new starter and generator. I was wondering if you could loan me $lOO … (Quickly) Just until the first, when I get my check.
ANNE - (She was expecting this) $100? Until the first?
FANNY – As soon as my check gets in….
ANNE – (Cuts her off) And you’ll call me and ask me to wait because you’ve written some checks against that disability money.
6
FANNY - (Starting to wheedle) That was last month, ANNE - December a bad month with Christmas, and I sent Jerry some money for him and the new baby….
ANNE - And the month before that it was Thanksgiving…
FANNY - Hey, I wanted to get Frank a nice present for his birthday……
ANNE - (Getting angry, cuts her off rougher) There's always a reason, FANNY. Why don't you just ask for the money and forget the loan part?
FANNY - (Insulted) Hey, I've got my pride! Look, when I win one of these sweepstakes I'll payoff everything I've ever borrowed from you…..
ANNE - Really? That’ll be a nice windfall - you know that I' ve watched you fill out those sweepstakes and contest forms and send them out for 40 years! God, even when we- were kids you used to send off for those idiotic toys from that Bazooka bubble gum - and you did it the same dumb way you do it now.
FANNY - (Remembering) Those were some great toys, like the cute little horse…..
ANNE - You used to chew 400 pieces of gum to get the wrappers and not have to pay the 25¢ plus two wrappers…..
FANNY - But I got the stuff for free!
ANNE - And you got 1000 cavities to show for it!
(The two women stare at each other - neither understanding the other.)
ANNE - (Taking a drink) Jeez, forty years ….
FANNY - I guess that means my number's about to come up - right?
ANNE – Do you know how much money that’s been? Postage for, how many do you send out every year, FANNY?
FANNY – (Thinks) Fifteen, twenty a month, I guess. One a day, except for weekends.
Consistency is important in any business!
7
ANNE -(Amazed) That's about 200 a year…. to give an accurate rate at the current dollar value, we'll figure all of them at today's postage rate, 15¢ each, times 200, is …. $30.00 a year for 40 years is $1200. And. you have the nerve to ask me for more money?
FANNY - Hey, that's not fair to say $1200 - a lot of those stamps I re-use….
ANNE - What about the Irish Sweepstakes? Don't you send them $1.00 a month? And that's for the last 20 years, that's ….. $240.00! And then there's the time …. if you ‘d spent half
as much time selling insurance: like I showed you or selling encyclopedias, or anything else you wouldn't sell…you wouldn’t have to ask me for money!
FANNY - (Really angry now) You know what I’ve had for 40 years that you never did- with all your money and your cars and big houses .... I have hope!: Every day there’s a chance I could win - the mail comes, and I'm really excited, and when I get it in my hand...ANNE, it's better than Christmas. And if I don 't win….
ANNE - (Sarcastic) If?
FANNY - So, I haven't won just yet - maybe I never will, but. whatever happens I wake up every day … even Sunday when there's no mail …. and I think maybe today's gonna be my lucky day…..
ANNE - And that's why your husband divorced you and why you live in a tiny apartment and why you have to borrow money to send to your son….:
FANNY - Listen, I only ask you for money because I know you have it - if you were broke I'd keep my mouth shut …..
ANNE - That’s all you heard? My God, don't you understand…..
YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO WIN ONE OF THOSE GODDAMN. STUPID CONTESTS!
(FANNY stares at ANNE as the words sink in slowly.)
FANNY – (Quiet) Is that what you came to tell me? That you dragged over from the nice part of town to let me know? That I’m never gonna win anything? I may not have any money but I sure as hell don’t have to listen to your drunken bullshit.
ANNE – And I don’t have to listen to yours!
FANNY – Then why did you call me, ANNE? I mean, usually, I call you, but this time why the hell did you come here? To drink booze out of a bag like a vagrant?
ANNE – (This has affected her) I wanted to see you.
"- -
FANNY – Why - What the hell do we have in common? Other than our names are the same?
ANNE - And I have money and you borrow it…..
(At this, FANNY jumps- up and motions a childish configuration of the name - ANNE )
FANNY - (In a little kid's voice): Take the ‘F’ from Fanny and what do you have?
ANNE - (Shouts) Annie!
(They laugh together and relax a little.)
ANNE --You think they did that to us to punish us?
FANNY - Nah - I think it was because the twins died, so we were the replacement twins.
ANNE - How many times did we have to listen to that stupid thing?
FANNY - About four million.
ANNE - Just like you, always exaggerating - it was only three million, four hundred thousand!
FANNY - What I'd like to know is, how come I was always 'Fanny' and you were always 'Anne'?"
ANNE - Because you were younger.
FANNY - And what about, now?
ANNE - You're still younger. And you couldn’t pronounce Franny, you would say Fanny, and everyone would laugh, and you’re still Fanny, (teasing) ….because…..you’re still……
FANNY - Don’t say it!
ANNE - (Pleased) Because you’re still an ass!
(They laugh, Fanny shaking her head)
FANNY – You always had the answers, didn’t you? And I had the questions. Some twins.
ANNE – We never liked the same food. Or clothing.
FANNY – Or boys.
ANNE – Except for …….
FANNY – The exception that proves the rule… wonder what happened to him. Jeez, that was the only time you beat me up.
EDDTE - Yo
9
ANNE - You deserved it.
FANNY - Yeah.
ANNE - No one ever suspected we were sisters
(Suddenly getting serious) Maybe we do have a lot more in common than two letters of the alphabet.
(Anne walks around looking at all the sweepstakes information strewn around.)
ANNE - (Difficult for her) We have more in common than:. you know ….something you'd never dream of …(almost a whisper) … now we have the sweepstakes ….
(ANNE takes an envelope from her pocket and FANNY watches in amazement.)
FANNY - (She thinks she's got it) I knew it! That Pennsylvania State Lottery ticket I gave you is the winner they're looking for - $1.25 million dollars! And it expires next week!'
ANNE - Almost ….no, this is my own personal survival sweepstakes and you're one of the big winners, FANNY
(She hands FANNY the envelope- which FANNY opens and starts to read.)
10
ANNE - These are copies because I know how you lose: things. The lawyer has the originals. It's a trust that will pay your rent, gas and electric, phone bill - within reason; - ant your car insurance plus 550.00 pen month gas. (She lets this sink in.) The rest I'm sure your army disability will cover. (Fanny starts to say something, but Anne talks over her) And….don't ask, you can't touch the principal...
FANNY - (Still in a state .of shock) Christmas was last month, Anne, what's the idea? Or should I say, what's the catch?
ANNE - My lawyer told me this was the best way to avoid all death taxes.
FANNY - Jeez, you sound like you're gonna die tomorrow ….
ANNE - (Quiet) No, not tomorrow.
FANNY. - Then what the fuck is this?' I mean you tell me some bullshit about a survival sweepstakes and then say I'm getting all this money - hell for forty years you never gave me a stamp without a goddamn four hour argument:'
ANNE - I really hate it when you use language like that.
FANNY - So what're you going to do? Run to the cemetery and tell Mom and Dad I said some fucking naughty words? I hate , when you use goddamn language like yours! What are you telling me- that you’re gonna die?
ANNE - Yes. That's what I'm telling you….
FANNY -{Now it hits her) Oh, Jesus.
(Fanny goes to Anne and tries to hug her, but Anne is stiff so Fanny backs off.)
FANNY - (Cautious) What is it - cancer?
ANNE – No, cancer doesn’t run in our family, remember? We get the strange ones. Mom goes from that weird bone disease and Dad picks up a woman’s yeast infection, so, I always liked baseball players’ diseases….
11
FANNY - Anne, nobody dies from bad elbows!
ANNE - I have Lou Gehrig's disease, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis -ALS for people who don't like long words and for forms with not enough spaces.
FANNY - (Now she's connected) Wait a minute, Lou Gehrig died when we were kids … they must've figured out something since then ….
ANNE - They should've, but they didn't.
FANNY - How long've you known?
ANNE - Since last year…..
FANNY - Why didn’t you say something?
ANNE - What was there to say? You couldn't do anything to help…..
FANNY - But I'm your sister! You should've told me….
ANNE - It started in my hands – real textbook stuff. It' s a funny feeling, like your arm is going to sleep, but it doesn’t wake up ….
FANNY - How much time do you…..
ANNE - (Cuts her off); But I worked at it, and nobody knew, and then it started on my feet….
(Fanny goes to a bookcase and takes out a book, flips through. )
ANNE - I can live without my feet, but,] decided that when it got up to my …..
FANNY - (Reading) ALS….. (Mumbled, going through fast) General description…. Motor neuron disease characterized by progressive degeneration of cortico spinal tracts of anterior horn cells or bulbar efferent neurons…..what the hell does that mean?
ANNE – It means that slowly but surely….. all my nerves die.
FANNY - (Reading slower) …begins in the hands and spreads to the forearms and legs….blah, blah….(she stops when she hits the last sentence)
ANNE- Did you get to the part about “Death usually occurs within 2-5 years.”?
FANNY – (Nods, reads elsewhere) “Onset is usually after age 40, and the incidence is greater in males.”
12
ANNE - I was just lucky, I guess! Aren't these medical books wonderful? They can reduce the most abject human suffering into unintelligible phrases – you should read what they have to say about inoperable brain tumors, now that’s a real gas.
FANNY - Don't tell me you diagnosed yourself, you asshole! There's a million different things that you could have….
(Anne shakes her head)
FANNY - (Getting desperate) Wait a minute, what about that goddamn Jerry Lewis telethon?:
ANNE. - (Just a trace of bitterness')) That's muscular dystrophy, not ALS. You see, Lou Gehrig's hits adults, it's not cute enough for TV! .
FANNY – Isn’t there some new treatment? Maybe they made a mistake?'
ANNE'- Remember when I went to New York last year?'
FANNY - Yeah, for that insurance convention where they were giving you some big award…..
ANNE - Well, I went, to Roswell Park and had it confirmed..
They told me I should.. go to UCLA since I lived closer. I told them it took me five hours to) fly to New York and four hours to drive from Redlands to UCLA, which did they think was closer?
FANNY - So are you going?
ANNE - (Sarcastic) Sure, me and Jacob Javits- two guinea pigs for science..
FANNY – He’s got it?
ANNE - Yeah, and, he flies out here to UCLA. Of course, he probably does it on government money, but…..
FANNY – (More forceful) So, are you going there to UCLA?
13
ANNE - (Ignores her.) It's a very illustrious- disease, you know, Lou Gehrig, Javits, Henry Wallace … and now me !
(Fanny starts to interrupt again, but Anne talks over her.)
ANNE - You know what they wanted to do to me? They wanted to
record my death … watch me die nice and slow … attach a string from my rear end to their machines and see how far I could get - how long it would take. Record my urine and collect my stool…. and maybe put a flower on my grave …. (Quiet), It’s not like a brain tumor, where you have a chance that some miracle is going to happen. With this, you just get weak, and you die….
FANNY - Does it hurt much?
ANNE - No pain …. no feeling at all. I can see the changes, though sometimes I can’t keep my balance, or I lose grip on things …
FANNY - (Now she understands) That's why you started the drinking….
ANNE - You always were a smart kid, Fanny.
FANNY - So Manny doesn't know ?
ANNE - And the kids don't either.
FANNY - Why don't you tell them?
ANNE - I'd rather they think I'm a drunk than have to watch the
pity in their eyes. (She almost starts to cry, then gets control of herself) My whole life.,. I did everything right I didn’t drink, I didn't smoke, I never fooled around behind Manny’s back, I pay my taxes, I jog, I watch what I eat …. you know what the doctor said?- except for the fact- I was gonna die I was in perfect shape!
14
(Fanny is torn between laughing and crying at this, but sees Anne is not capable of handling the laughter.)
FANNY - (Not sure what to say) Well look at the bright side, maybe you’ll get lung cancer…
ANNE - Just my luck I would ….the thing is - I hate the taste of
these goddamn cigarettes. .
FANNY - (Getting angry) Well that's real clever - spend the last years of your life doing things you don't like to do! That’s a great way to die!
ANNE - (Very cold) Shut the fuck up, FANNY.
FANNY - (Mock horror) Was that a curse? Did I hear a bad word come out of your widdle mouf?
ANNE - I know more of them - do you want to hear the rest?
FANNY - Sure:, I'm just waiting for some pizza, I've got plenty of time….
ANNE – Godamn it Fanny, stop being so flip!
FANNY - Then, what the hell. do you want me to be? What do you want me to say? What do
you want me to do? I’ll do anything you want! Just tell me!
ANNE – (Deep breath) You’d really do anything for me?
FANNY - Of course I would - you're my sister..
(This affects Anne, and she turns away.)
ANNE - (Having trouble) I never thought this would be so difficult….
(Fanny comes over and puts her hand on Anne's shoulder and this time Anne doesn’t pull away.)
ANNE - There is something you can do for me ….
FANNY – Anything you want…
ANNE- It’s really more to help Edna than me….
15
(Fanny pulls away and Anne notices.)
ANNE - I know you and Manny have never been close….
FANNY - He hates me, Anne…..
ANNE - Hate's a strong word …disapproves is better. But this would be for me,
Fanny ..
FANNY - (Horrified, it's dawning on her) Oh, shit, no - not that, Anne! I'll do anything but don’t ask me to fuck Manny for you…..
(Anne looks at Fanny, then bursts out laughing, getting very hysterical until Fanny relaxes and joins in.)
ANNE - Wiping her eyes, still laughing) Actually, he's pretty good -
FANNY- (Amazed that Anne is telling this) No shit!
ANNE- No shit! Just the regular way, but still he’s good when he gets going!
(This cracks them up again, and Anne tries to get control, then thinks of something.)
ANNE - I think that's what I'll miss the most -
FANNY - (Getting a little embarrassed) That's your husband you're talking about - have a little respect.
ANNE - That's it, Manny and Rodney Dangerfield, they both don't get any respect (Pause as he collects herself) We never talked about sex much, did we?
FANNY - I never knew you and Manny did it after the kids were born.
ANNE – Live and learn, huh?
LAURI FANNY - Live and learn
16
ANNE - (Carefully) So as long as you don't have to sleep with Ed, anything else is OK?
FANNY - Well, now that I know about his, uh, other abilities, even that won't be too bad….(Thinks about it for a minute) But I'd prefer anything else.
ANNE – Good…really, this won't be that tough to do ....
(ANNE takes a deep breath, then a heavy swallow of the liquor and turns back to FANNY.)
ANNE - I want you to leave me alone for a few minutes
FANNY - (That was easy, she's confused) Sure….
ANNE - And if you come back, and I'm not dead yet…. go away until I am …
(This stuns FANNY- much beyond the other events of the evening and he doesn't even know how to react.)
ANNE - I've been drinking a lot, and once you go, I'm going to
go into your bathroom and take that drug of yours, Nardil.
Combined with the liquor, it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes, but give me 20-25, just to be sure…
FANNY - (Very hard for her) What if it doesn't work?
ANNE - Oh, it'll work - I've checked it out. Nardil is an
M.A.O. inhibitor - mixed with the alcohol, it only takes a little. I'm going to put the aspirin next to the Nardil just in case there's any questions, they can figure I was too drunk to know the difference. But it'll look so much like a heart attack, they probably won't even question it, so….
FANNY - You got it all planned, huh?
ANNE - Yes.
,
FANNY - And what if I don't help? You'll cut off my trust funds?
ANNE - (Sad) No, I wouldn't do that ... I was just hoping that for once in your life you wouldn't go back on a promise to me.
17
FANNY - That's not fair, you bitch- you're not asking me to pay back fifty bucks here! This is a hell of a lot different!
ANNE - Before you start yelling at me, why don't you listen for a change? If you don't help me, I'll just do it on my own, but then there's a chance that it would be discovered as
a... (She finds it hard to say the word) …. a suicide, and Edna and the kids wouldn't get; any of the insurance….
FANNY - I have a better idea - why don't you let God decide
when you're going to die, and then your medical insurance
will cover any time in the hospital, ••• (A horrible thought occurs to her) You do have medical insurance, ANNE? I mean, you're in the business
ANNE - Of course I've got medical insurance!
FANNY - And then you wouldn't have to worry about how they record your ••••
ANNE - (Cuts her off, furious) The insurance covers the hospital and the doctors) but it doesn't cover…. me…..
(FANNY, doesn't grasp this and ANNE tries to keep herself in control.)
ANNE - I have to live through it, FANNY, don't you see? There's no coverage for that…
FANNY - (Desperate) But you said it didn't hurt…
ANNE - There's a lot of different kinds of pain, FANNY….
FANNY - (Quiet) And what if, what if you don't die?
ANNE - Oh, I'll die - it's just a question on where.
(FANNY sits down heavily and looks around the place.)
ANNE - There'll be enough for you to move out of here, get another place if you don't want to stay …..
FANNY - (Dull) Thanks.
18
ANNE - You want to know something funny?
FANNY - (Edge of sarcasm) Oh, yeah - I'm just dying to hear a good joke!
ANNE - (Ignores the sarcasm) I'm one of the insurance agents who's worked for years- to change that suicide clause rule to allow people with deadly diseases to kill themselves'
and have it called temporary insanity ……
FANNY - Temporary insanity, that's what you have! We can ….
ANNE - (Cuts her off) But it hasn't changed yet, FANNY- not for at least another two years ……
FANN
(Cuts her off) Then maybe you can hang on!
ANNE, - To what?
FANNY - What did Dad hang onto every year with that rotten job he had?
ANNE - I have no idea.
FANNY - Processing employment forms for the government is boring even as you say and he did it for 40 years!
ANNE - But not for 40 years after he found out he was: going to die.
FANNY - But your life is better than his was - you've still got
Ed…..
ANNE – Fanny, unlike Dad, I don't have nightmares o£ drowning in an ocean of forms so that my husband can comfort me! For me death is not something I am welcoming the way Mom and Dad had to because their lives were so horrible! I am choosing to die because …..(deep breath) …I don't want to be begging to die!
(FANNY looks at her, then turns away.)
FANNY - There's nothing I can say that’s gonna change your mind, is there?
(ANNE doesn't answer and FANNY turns back to her.)
FANN-
(Trying not to cry) When do you want to do it?
19
ANNE - This isn’t one of your contests, FANNY - I've been planning this for a long time ….
FANNY - Then why didn't you tell me before?
ANNE - Because you would've told Manny.
FANNY - (She would) Maybe I wouldn't have.
ANNE - And if the laws were different, I wouldn't tell you
either - I'd just do it…and I'm sorry this has to be on your shoulders, too, but I figured that you…
FANNY - (Cuts her off) Owed you something?
ANNE - I figured you would help because you're my sister and… and, I would do the same for you if you ever wanted, because, because I love you.
(This time, Fanny and Anne hug, and they hold it for a long moment before Fanny pulls away.)
FANNY - Maybe in a few hours?
(Anne shakes her head)
FANNY - (Difficult) All right, but I have one really important question for you.
ANNE - Sure.
FANNY - What happens if the pizza comes while I'm away?
(ANNE shakes her head, takes an envelope from one of the piles and puts in a ten-dollar bill, using her pen to mark it. When she's done, she hands it to Fanny.)
ANNE - Leave this in the door on your way out.
(Fanny takes the envelope and stares at it for a moment.)
20
FANNY - What do you want me to do when I get back?
ANNE -Just call up the hospital and ask for an ambulance - tell them I was drunk and went to sleep it off. When you tried to get me up, you couldn't. It’s easy.
FANNY - Real easy.
ANNE - Thank you, Fanny.
FANNY - Anytime.
(The two women come together again and when they break, Fanny goes to the door and opens it, looking back.)
FANNY - I love you, too, Anny. Goodbye.
(Fanny lets the screen door slam behind her without looking
at Anne. We see Fanny, stop and put the envelope in the door, then she leaves. Anne watches, then closes the door.
Anne looks around the room, then goes into the bathroom and returns with some pills that she puts down, next to the bottle of liquor.
There is a noise at the door, and we hear someone. removing the envelope from the screen door. Then we hear a key in the door, and Fanny bursts in.)
FANNY - I know you didn't take those pills, I've been watching….
ANNE - (Annoyed) You've only been gone thirty seconds…this might take a little time, you know.
FANNY - I don't know - I never killed myself! (He stands firm now) And I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!
ANNE - We went through this Fanny - if I don't have a witness, it might be ruled suicide and then Manny….
FANNY - (Cuts her off) I don't give a shit!
ANNE - I've always known that..
21-
FANNY - (Angry) Take off your goddamn insurance salesperson's face and listen to me! I don't want you to die!
ANNE - (Pause, affected) I don't think you have much control over it.
FANNY - And you think you do? Who the hell do you think you are? You
figure you can order your death like you ordered. your
life? I remember you told me in high school that you wanted
to get married and have two kids and sel1..my God!.. fucking
insurance. And you did it.
ANNE - You forgot Europe.
FANNY – Oh, yeah, you wanted to go there and you did, a 3-week vacation
10 years ago! Well, you can’t just plot this out like some insurance policy – what about the people who care about you? Or don’t you ever talk to anyone else?
ANNE - (Very upsetting to her) Of course I talk to people
FANNY - Not the "Hello" how are you?" crap - but- the important stuff. When was the last time we talked? Except when I ask for money and you turn me down, we never see each other!
ANNE - Whose fault is that?
FANNY - (Thinks) Maybe both of us. But that's not the point - what you're doing is going to affect a lot of lives, and I don't think you’ve thought about it!
ANNE - (Furious) You don't think I've thought about it? What do you think I've been thinking about for the last year and a half?
FANNY - I have no idea - I'm not a fucking mind-reader! Until you told me tonight, I thought you were just a candidate for Alcoholics Anonymous - not a woman who's about to die! And at least you told me - for your husband and children you'd rather let them think you died a drunk rather than be dependent on them for a few months!
ANNE - You're damn right I’d rather _. you may like having other people take care of you, but I hate it! And I hate the thought of it. And I (She starts to cry) and I'm afraid of it… goddamn it, I’m scared to death of it…
22
FANNY - (Starting to understand) Jesus Christ, you're
more scared of it than you're scared to die, aren't you?
(Anne nods, unable to speak, and Fanny goes to sit by her.)
FANNY - (Still amazed) I don't remember ever seeing you afraid, of anything, Anne, even when we were kids, you never seemed scared.
ANNE – That’s because I thought I could do anything that I wanted to.. and somewhere in the last few weeks I finally realized:
I can't. Some days now, I can't move my legs when I wake up - so I just lie there and pray that I can do it in
a few hours. Then I pretend to have a hangover, but I can't pretend forever - it's just a matter of time now before Ed will figure it out …
FANNY - Maybe it'll get better all by itself …
ANNE - (Bitter laugh) What do you think is going to happen? That the sweepstakes people are going to call up and say - You win!
The doctors were wrong - now you get to die of old age like other people!
FANNY - Anne, I hate to be the one to tell you - but no one dies of old age except in obituaries ……and maybe the movies.
ANNE - I know, that's why I want to go the way I choose - not like a vegetable that gets left in a refrigerator too long!
FANNY - I see what you mean, - but look, this is the first time in thirty years we talked like real sisters, why can’t
we give it at least .. one more day to catch up!
ANNE - You think this was easy? You think that tomorrow I'll have the strength to do this?
FANNY – Then maybe two days … look, you're not in bad shape yet.
If you hang in for a few more weeks, we'll have a chance to do things together …
ANNE - And then?
FANNY - (Thinks) And then, when your tits starts to get numb, have Manny fuck you to death! Think of the headlines!
23
ANNE - (Laughing in spite of herself) What about
(At this, they start to really laugh, and they get hysterical through the next lines.)
FANNY -We could make a fortune just from the National Enquirer!
ANNE: - What about the Reader's Digest?' 'A Husband's Ultimate
Act of Love
(Now while she laughs, ANNE starts to cry, softer than before but deeper.)
ANNE - I can laugh about it now, but when the rest starts to go, I won't be able to do this.
FANNY - It affects your laugh muscles?
ANNE – Everything….
FANNY - But you can't quit after you laugh like that, it’s against the rules.
ANNE - What rules? I never saw any rules.
FANNY - Take my word ….
ANNE - Take my husband, please ….
FANNY – I’11 even do that if I have to, but …
ANNE - Okay, so I don't do it today. What happens when I can't choose for myself anymore? (Quiet) Will you do it for me, Fanny? .
FANNY - (Trying to avoid this) It won't be like that - you can
have one of those Living Wills - I read about them in Dear Abby.
ANNE - (Cuts her off) That's when I'm comatose - by that time it won't make any difference. I'm begging you, Fanny, if you won't help me now, will you help me then - when I can't ask anymore …
24
FANNY - I'll do the best I can, Anne. I'll stay with you, make sure it doesn't hurt ….
ANNE - I can pay nurses to watch a vegetable cart - I want you
to make sure I don't end up like that!
(Anne puts her hand on Fanny’s shoulder, but Fanny is thinking)
FANNY - Hey, Anne, you realize this has been quite a night for me?
First, you tell me I'm gonna have some money, then you say you're gonna die - plus I have to let you commit suicide in my apartment, and now I have to promise to kill you when you get too weak to do it yourself! Don't you think that maybe you can at least call me my real name? Maybe?
ANNE - But you've been Fanny ever since we were kids!
FANNY - Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem.
ANNE - (Swallows hard) All right, would you ..(Slow, this is very hard for her) …would you… please not let me stay alive if I'm already gone …Fran?
FANNY - (Choked up) Sure, Annie ….
(Fanny puts her arm around Anne and they stand for a moment.)
ANNE - You know, I feel really tired ….
FANNY - Why don't you lie down here on the couch where I can keep an eye on you.
ANNE - (Heavily) All right.
FANNY - You want a cover?
ANNE - Nah – it’s warm enough.
(Anne lies down and Fanny sits next to her.)
FANNY - I'll watch you while you go to sleep. You used to do that when we were kids.
ANNE - That was because after you were asleep I could sneak out with Manny….
FANNY - I know.
25
ANNE - Is that what you're gonna do now?
FANNY - Sure - and I'll be thinking about Manny and his mystic dick!
(They laugh and ANNE sinks deeper. into the couch.)
ANNE - It's quiet ….
FANNY - Yeah …(Thinks) … Wait a minute …
(She runs to her timer, which has expired.)
FANNY - Look, Anne, we get a free pizza! They took more than thirty minutes!
ANNE - Great - a free, invisible pizza… they'll never find this place ….
(As she says this, there's a knock on the door and FANNY goes to open it. There is a very annoyed pizza delivery girl with a soggy pizza box.)
DELIVERY BOY-(Annoyed and not trying to hide it) Here's your pizza, Ms. Winters.
FANNY - It was late, so I get it for free ... and I get the free Coke!
DELIVERY BOY - (Cuts her off) And here's the Coke, where’s your coupon?
FANNY - (Smug) Right here.
DELIVERY BOY - Yeah, I remember this place! You never tell that it’s in the back off the street! I’m gonna put your name and address on our special shit list of people who purposely give bad directions so they won’t have to pay!
EDDTIE - Does your boss know you use language like that?
DELIVERY BOY - The boss is my uncle - and I learned it from him.
FANNY - With language like that I don't know if I should give
you a tip.
26.
DELIVERY BOY - Big deal - I have to pay for the late pizza out of my own pocket:
FANNY - Oh, I didn't know that, here ….
(She hands him the envelope from Anne, and when he sees the bill, his whole attitude changes)
DELIVERY BOY - Hey, thanks! Have a great night!
FANNY - Sure.
(She turns to go, and then Fanny remembers and calls after her.)
FANNY - Hey, what about the contest card!
DELIVERY BOY - (O.S.) It's in the box!
(Fanny looks in the box and removes a soggy piece of cardboard. She takes a coin from her pocket and rubs out some of the sections, going slower, and then finally stopping, stunned.)
ANNE - What is it,(Starts to say Fanny, then stops) What's the matter….Fran?
FANNY - (Still can't believe it) Anne - you know the Porsche Contest?
ANNE - Yeah? What? Don't tell me you won?
FANNY - I can't believe it - this must be my lucky day - I won another Coke!
(As the lights start to dim, Anne laughs in spite of herself, and as Fanny shows her the 'winning ticket', we have a full blackout.)
The end.
These one-act plays range in length from 10 to 45 minutes and many have won awards. Specific production details are included with each script. Visit our STORE for details on rates and licensing.
- CRIME NEW!
Upcoming in Naples, Florida by the Naples Players
- TIME TRAVEL CAFE
How do we go back and change the past- is it even possible? If you want to try, the Time Travel Cafe can help! Running time:10 minutes Set: Cafe 3 characters: 2 men - 20s, 40s, 1 woman- 20-40 This play was produced to sold out audiences at the Big Kitchen Cafe in San Diego by the New Play Cafe company. Starring actress Tiffany Tang just wrote her first book of poetry - congrats to Tiffany! - THE AFFIDAVIT
A desperate woman brings a cherished family heirloom to a pawnbroker to try and get money to rescue her father from Nazi-occupied Austria. Will she get the money? And at what cost? Fast-paced with a surprising end. (Most recent video here)
Running time: 15 minutes | Set: pawnshop 1940’s
2 characters: 1 man – 40s, 1 woman – 25-35
This play has won numerous awards including DFAS National 1-Act Playwriting contest (First Place) and Gassner Memorial One-Act Playwriting Competition (Honorable Mention). It is published in ONE-ACT PLAYS FOR ACTING STUDENTS edited by Norman A. Bert (Meriwether Publishing, Colorado). Production locations include New Zealand, Canada, Austria, San Diego- Gaslamp Quarter Players, Ashfield Community Theatre, and New York City - Actors Theater with David Moss and Shawn Licht.
$6.00/script - BLIND WOMAN’S BLUFF
An old blind woman puts a classified ad in the paper and a young man answers the ad - but is he there to buy or to rip her off? Quick, funny and a good showcase piece for actors. Since its first publication, BLIND WOMAN'S BLUFF has had numerous productions--one is here.
3rd Place Winner, DFAS National One-act Playwriting Contest
Published in PERSPECTIVES THREE (HB, Canada - 8th grade textbook) - Pioneer Drama Service - click here to purchase via their website.
Running time: 25 minutes | Set: living room, semi-rundown
2 characters: 1 man (early 20s) and 1 woman (late 60s)
$8.00/script - CURSE OF THE DUCHESS (monologue)
A duchess recounts how a curse changed her life. Touching- a tour de force for an older actress.
Running time: 15 minutes | Set: minimal - chair, table, lamp; lighting and sound effects very important
Character: the duchess - in her late 80s, very British
Winner, 2nd Place - DFAS National 1-Act Playwriting Contest
Produced by Five Flags Theatre, Dubuque, Iowa and televised by the Public Access Cable Channel Iowa
$8.00/script
- DAY OF ATONEMENT
Two women, lifelong friends, face Yom Kippur (the Jewish New Year also known as the Day of Atonement) with different ideas. A great showpiece for two older actresses. Click here for photos and production info.
Running time: 15 minutes | Set: kitchen, living area middle-class New York late 1970s
Characters: 2 women, both 60s, both with Polish accent
Produced in December 2006 at Swedenborg Hall, San Diego, CA
Winner, DFAS National One-Act Playwriting Contest (August 2006) and Finalist, Fritz Blitz Contest for One-Act Plays, San Diego, CA
$10.00/script
- DON’T YOU CRY FOR ME
The death of his father--and an unusual request in the will--leads a young man to deal with major issues in his life, and his family, in a very Southern finale. Strong language. This play is part of the TRANSFUSION trilogy (the other is OH, SUSANNAH). There is a discount if all three plays in the trilogy are purchased at the same time.
Running time: 35 minutes | Time: 1966, late summer evening of a very hot day, almost dusk
Set: sitting room in a gracoious house in a rural Atlanta suburb
Characters: 2 men, 2 women--all with Southern accents
Produced: The Seventh Annual Fritz Blitz of New Plays, San Diego, CA
Awarded Fritz Blitz of New Plays
$10.00/script - FINALE
A magician gives a performance with a surprising finale. Great piece for auditions and competitions.
This one-act was published with funds from a grant provided by the Dramatists Guild Fund.
Running time: 8-10 minutes | Time: the past | Set: bare stage
Characters: 1 man (mid 20s, strong Cockney accent)
First production: Swedenborg Hall, San Diego, 2008
$10.00/script - HORNET'S NEST (previously THE INTERVIEW)
Welcome to the Hornet's Nest - a radio talk show that can be very interesting - and dangerous. When Audrey Hornet hosts a political guest that used to be an old lover, anything can happen. And it does. Riveting suspense that build to an explosive climax - keeps audiences on the edge of their seats. Strong language.
Running time: 45 minutes | Set: living room as talk show set | Characters: 2 men, 2 women
Finalist, 2nd Annual Robert R. Lehan Playwriting Awards, Westfield State College, Westfield, MASS
$10.00/script
- OH, SUSANNAH
Susannah returns from her husband's funeral to find a suitor at her doorstep. This play is part of the TRANSFUSION trilogy (the other is OH, SUSANNAH); there is a discount if all three plays in the trilogy are purchased at the same time.
Running time: 15 minutes | Set: Midwest middle-class living room
Characters: 1 man (Russian accent, 70s) and 1 woman (American, 70s)
This play was completed with funds from a COMBO-NEA Grant.
Produced: Vintage Theatre, San Diego, CA 1993
$ 10.00 script - SAVE A PLACE FOR ME
Running time: 15 minutes | Set: bus stop
Characters: 2 men, 2 women
This play was commissioned by the Aaronson Foundation.
$10.00/script - SCRIPTEASE
A well-known playwright is found dead at the reading of his newest play. Which of his 'friends' didn't like his latest literary offering? Mystery with a DEATHTRAP twist! Fast and funny with some good chances for stylist characterizations and staging.
Running time: 45 minutes | Set: modern living room
Characters: 5 men (30-s-50-s), 4 women (20-40's), lead female needs British accent
This was Janet's first full production at the Southwestern College in Chula Vista, CA. It was produced by Scripteasers in 1981, the well-known San Diego Writers-Actors group that has helped new playwrights for over 50 years. For more information, visit www.scripteasers.org.
$10.00/script - SWEEPSTAKES
Strong language.
Running time: 45 minutes | Set: semi-rundown apartment | Characters: 2 men (50s, 60s)
Winner, 1986 West Coast Ensemble Festival of One-Acts
Produced: Playbill Theatre, Los Angeles, CA in 1986 (extended run)
$10.00/script - THE WAITING ROOM (also available in full-length)
A Jewish family in Vienna, just before World War II, is faced with crucial decisions about taking the opportunity to leave--or stay behind with an aged and ill relative. Basic human questions about the value of life and importance of family are confronted. Poignant drama.
Running time: 45 minutes | Set: living room/dining room European, circa 1938 | Characters: 2 men (25-50), 3 women (25-75)
This play has won many awards, including the Gassner Memorial and the DFAS National Playwriting Contest. THE WAITING ROOM has been produced numerous times, from San Diego to New York. For details, please contact us.
$10.00/script
